The Battle Is Real Y’all!
That was the conclusion I used in a text I sent to some of my prayer warriors this morning. There is nothing concrete that I can tell you is wrong. In fact, there is nothing in my life right now that seems to measure up against some of the situations my friends are walking through. And yet, I can’t get through a home-school, science lesson without crying this morning. Doesn’t that sound ridiculous?!?
This morning I read a notification on Facebook that said a friend of mine had a new blog post. It was a great post that I could totally relate to! She mentioned that she would have guest bloggers over the next two weeks continuing on this topic. And it began! The voices inside my head began to speak.
Why didn’t she ask me to be a guest blogger?
Maybe she doesn’t like my writing. We are supposed to be writing buddies discovering this path together.
Wouldn’t she want to support my writing?
Maybe she doesn’t even really want to be accountability partners with me.
And as much as I tried to hush the voices in my head, their volume increased over the next few hours.
Next, it was my ability to do what God is calling me to that came under attack. I texted my mentor and asked for prayers. I could already tell this mental battle wasn’t going to be pretty. She responded almost immediately with encouragement and scripture. I hadn’t even mentioned spiritual warfare when she said she believed that’s what it was. She was participating in a prayer challenge group I was leading and shared that she and her husband were having breakthroughs, so Satan’s attacks were coming.
Ah, that’s sweet of her to say, but it’s probably not true.
If she and her husband are having a breakthrough, it’s because of awesome things they are doing,
not because of anything I am doing.
And I know better! I believe with all of my heart God is doing great things through my obedience! But I didn’t feel it right then.
Next, I texted a group of friends and asked them to pray for me. Although bigger things are going on in most of their lives right now, I humbled myself and asked for their prayers. They quickly responded with an outpouring of prayers.
They just feel obligated to say that.
They know my little mental battle isn’t worth their time right now.
I don’t even know if they consider me a close friend.
They’re all so close; I’m just on the fringe of the circle.
But I know these women well enough to trust them with my whole heart of friendship.
Then the focus changed to my ability to homeschool and mother my children. I caught one of my daughters cheating on an assignment and immediately tried to figure out what I had done wrong.
Surely there was something I should have done differently.
And I keep telling another child to wait. I should stop and give him my focus.
And why does my daughter hate spelling so much? What have I done to make her feel this way?
I began reminding myself that God chose me to be their mother on purpose. It wasn’t by accident. And I fully believe that! But it sure didn’t make me feel any better on this morning.
My husband called, and I couldn’t even talk. I began to think about how I fall short as a wife.
He offered to plan a date for this weekend, just like you have been asking him to do,
and your response was that you shouldn’t spend the money. Seriously!
The guy is finally stepping up the romance, and you decline! He probably shouldn’t even try again.
I ended up hanging up on him because I was being taken to my knees by the sadness I was feeling. I hung up and collapsed to the floor crying. I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. Then I opened my Bible and read the chapter my mentor had mentioned. The words written by Paul allowed me to breathe again, but my heart was still so heavy.
This mental battle took me to a place of desperation I haven’t been in a long time, if ever. Why? Why now? God has shown me that He is working some incredible breakthroughs in my life that will free me up to take another step in His plan. There are parts of my faith that I believed could only get so strong and He is showing me that He wants to take me all the way. All the way to only needing His approval and His love. If I can make it through the molding, there will be glorious sunshine on the other side.
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