A Day of God’s Goodness (Mixed in with a few tears)
I could never have imagined how emotional this journey would be. I thought saying yes to a year of writing and pressing into God’s call was the big, emotional step. Little did I know, the deeper into the year I would get, the more emotional it would become.
Maybe it is being so dependent on the Holy Spirit for guidance. I’ve always had a tendency to well up with tears when I feel the Holy Spirit moving.
Maybe it’s emotions of fear that seem to be intensifying instead of subsiding.
Maybe it’s being so vulnerable that I can hardly breath when a post goes live.
For sure, I can tell you it is way more emotional than I ever expected. It’s the kind of emotion that exhausts you. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I want to go to bed just so I can turn off the emotions pulsing through my veins and the ideas swirling in my mind.
And then there is the other side of this glorious madness. The side that includes daily encouragements and confirmations that could only be from God. They are so perfectly designed to save me from my weaknesses and my fleshly struggles, that they are absolutely coming from the One who created me. The only One who knows my every thought and can help me to take them captive when they aren’t productive to His call on my life.
So if you will allow me, I would like to share this surprising, exhausting, exhilarating day with you. I woke up to a quiet home holding five sleeping children and no husband. Aaron was traveling home from a work trip on this particular morning. I do most all mornings without him because his work day starts so early, but I was still missing him as this was the fourth day he had been gone. The morning went smoothly and after getting everyone to their respective schools I headed to an appointment. After the quick appointment, I continued onto my favorite coffee shop. On the way, I called a young lady that I am mentoring and we concluded a conversation that was cut short the night before. We talked about capturing our thoughts and speaking scripture over them as part of the process of really believing who we are in Christ. Once at the coffee shop, I found a comfy, oversized chair to call mine for the next hour and waited to order my coffee.
As I began to read the 3rd chapter of Priscilla Shirer’s, Fervent, I was brought to tears at how directly it spoke to the conversation I had just finished.
If I were your enemy, I’d devalue your strength and magnify your insecurities until they dominate how you see yourself, disabling and disarming you from fighting back, from being free, from being who God has created you to be.
SERIOUSLY! There was no denying that God was in our conversation and affirming my desire to pour into this beautiful young lady of Christ walking the path I so recently traveled myself. Those doubts that fleeted through my mind just after I hung up, (Am I enough to be what she needs in a mentor? Will I have the right words, point her in the right direction?) were banished by God’s confirmation. Not only did He confirm we are on the right track, He put wisdom and resources in my hands to pass along to her at just the right moment!
I poured over that chapter soaking in all the goodness and looking forward to rereading it a few times. Then I moved on to the second book I intended to begin on this particular morning. BUT in the midst of all of this, my waitress noticed what I was reading and struck up a conversation about what she is reading. My arms grew goosebumps as she described how she wrote and highlighted all over the pages of Lysa Tyrkhusts book, Uninvited, and even offered to show it to me. The next time she returned to check on me, she carried a slightly tattered book with at least three different colors of highlights, notes and underlines everywhere, and even sticky notes marking the sections that had touched her the most deeply. She explained that the sticky notes were her way of quick referencing her favorite parts. She didn’t know it, but she was confirming for me that this would be the next book my mentee and I would read. We had already discussed it and this sealed the deal for me. She suggested I scan through HER book so I could get excited about reading it myself. I was in awe of her transparency with a stranger. GUESS WHAT WAS HIGHLIGHTED ON THE PAGE I OPENED TO!
Pain is the reminder that the real enemy is trying to take us out and bring us down by keeping us stuck in broken places. Pain is the gift that motivates us to fight with brave tenacity and fierce determination knowing there’s healing on the other side.
Again, a nod to the conversation I had previously had in my car. So at this point, I am bursting with encouragement that I am doing well and should keep going.
Shortly there after, I pack up and headed home to pick up the first batch of kids. I had no more than pulled out of the parking lot and I was filled with sadness, a loneliness of sorts. That lead to a fear of rejection or not being good enough to continue being invited into people’s lives. Where did that come from!!!!!????? By the time I got home I literally went to bed and cried, but I couldn’t fall asleep. I got up and thought of all kinds of ways to try to fill my time and clear my head, but I felt the Lord was prompting me to listen to a podcast. He was inviting me to be encouraged by someone already teaching, speaking, and leading. So I quickly flipped through my list of names, the ones I have been fed by before, and the list halted at Christine Cain. For the first time ever I Googled Christine’s podcasts on my phone and would you believe the one that came up was Dream Hard Trust Harder?
For the third time today God met me EXACTLY where I was and fed me words of wisdom and encouragement. Through Christine, I was reminded of focusing on the now and focusing on my heart. Part of my job is to let God take care of the big plans and the big stuff. I can’t do it all and God doesn’t want me to. Thank you Jesus that you are enough!
The more often we step out in faith, the more often we open ourselves to experience God.
I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Ephesians 3:16